Tyrants, Janitors, and Biblical Husbands: Recovering Biblical Leadership in the Home
Two Extremes to Avoid
The Bible teaches that marriage reflects Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church (Eph. 5:22–33). This is why husbands are called to lead their families, just as Christ leads the Church. Yet the Church has not always done a great job of teaching what biblical headship really looks like. Too often, we’ve leaned toward one of two unbiblical extremes.
We might call these extremes the tyrant and the janitor.
For much of history, sinful pride and cultural norms led many husbands to act like tyrants—expecting unquestioning obedience from their families and exercising authority like dictators. In this view, leadership means dominance, control, and entitlement. The tyrant treats his wife and children as subordinates who exist to serve his needs and desires. But this is not the biblical model of leadership. Scripture calls husbands to love sacrificially, serve humbly, and nurture wisely (Eph. 5:21, 28; 6:4).
The opposite extreme is what we might call the janitor husband. These men have largely abdicated their leadership role, only stepping in to put out fires or keep the peace. They avoid conflict, lack vision, and focus more on minimizing complaints than cultivating health. The janitor husband does the bare minimum, often motivated by fear of criticism more than a desire to lead. His ultimate goal is to retreat into comfort, hobbies, or isolation. While this may seem harmless, it is just as damaging and unbiblical as tyrant leadership.
“Modern churches, in reaction against toxic and authoritarian expressions of masculinity, sometimes unconsciously encourage men toward this passive janitor model.”
Modern churches, in reaction against toxic and authoritarian expressions of masculinity, sometimes unconsciously encourage men toward this passive janitor model. But Scripture makes clear that passivity in leadership is not an option. Husbands will be held accountable before God for the care and direction of their families (Gen. 2:15; Rom. 14:12; 1 Tim. 3:4–5; 5:8; 1 Pet. 3:7; Heb. 13:17).
The Biblical Model: Servant-Leadership with Vision
It’s time for a recalibration. The biblical picture of a husband’s role is not that of a tyrant or a janitor, but of a servant-leader with vision.
Some traits of the janitor model—humility, service, emotional attentiveness—are good and biblical. What’s missing is vision-driven initiative. Leadership means prayerfully thinking ahead, initiating crucial conversations, and guiding the family with wisdom and love.
Importantly, this doesn’t mean the husband dictates the vision alone. Healthy family vision is best formed through prayer, discussion, collaboration, and mutual discernment between husband and wife. But in the end, the husband bears the greater responsibility before God for initiating and stewarding that vision (Luke 12:48; Heb. 13:17; James 3:1).
“The biblical picture of a husband’s role is not that of a tyrant or a janitor, but of a servant-leader with vision.”
Many men never had this kind of leadership modeled for them by their fathers. Many have never been taught how to lead biblically by their churches. That’s why tools like the list of questions below are so crucial.
These vision-oriented questions are meant to help husbands think, pray, and plan in a way that blesses their marriages, children, and churches. Each man can decide how many to reflect on per week or month. The goal isn’t perfection or performance—it’s intentionality and growth. These questions are best worked through prayerfully with the guidance of Scripture.
Vision Questions by Category
Family / Children
How are we doing in modeling and teaching the values we want our children to embody?
Are we consistently communicating and problem-solving with respect, clarity, and grace?
What does family discipleship currently look like (worship, prayer, Scripture, service), and how could we grow in this?
Ministry
How are we currently serving the church and God’s kingdom based on our gifts and passions?
Is our current church/family balance healthy and sustainable? How can we grow in ministry and impact?
What are our spiritual goals—short-term and long-term—as individuals and as a family?
Finances
Are we giving joyfully and sacrificially in a way that reflects our trust in God?
Are our saving and investment habits aligned with a kingdom-centered purpose?
How are our financial goals (e.g. home ownership, debt repayment) supporting or hindering our mission and ministry?
Physical / Emotional / Mental Health
Are we meeting our minimum health standards to live a fruitful life and serve God well?
Are there any physical, emotional, or mental health concerns we’ve been ignoring?
What kind of emotional support culture are we cultivating in our home?
Spiritual / Marital Leadership
Am I praying for and with my wife regularly and intentionally?
How am I leading by example in repentance, humility, and spiritual disciplines?
Are there tensions or needs in our marriage that I need to face with love and courage?
Vision & Planning
What transitions or decisions are on the horizon for our family?
What habits do we need to start now to become the family we envision in 5–10 years?
What legacy are we working toward—for our children, church, and community?
Relational Community / Hospitality
How open and inviting is our home to others?
Are we building gospel-shaped friendships as a couple and as a family?
How are we loving and relating to neighbors, extended family, and nonbelievers?
Time & Technology Stewardship
Does our use of time reflect our stated values and goals?
Are we managing screen time and entertainment with intentional boundaries?
Are we making time for rest, Sabbath, and real (non-digital) connection?
Conflict / Crisis Preparedness
Are there unresolved tensions or areas of conflict we’re avoiding?
Do we have a shared approach for handling suffering, loss, or disruptions?
How do we process conflict in a way that reflects humility and long-term repair?
A Path Toward Flourishing
Working through these questions regularly—even before challenges arise—can help husbands avoid being caught off guard and instead lead with wisdom and clarity. Most Christian wives are not longing for passive husbands who “keep the peace.” They long for husbands who take their God-given leadership role seriously—who lead not with control or passivity, but with strength, love, and purpose.
This article is a call to biblical manhood, to avoid the extremes, and to recover a Christ-shaped vision for marriage and family. May God raise up vision-driven men who lead their homes in the way of Christ.
