Love, Respect, and Conjugal Rights: What Mutual Submission Looks Like
There is a saying in our society: respect is earned. While this saying is true in certain circumstances, such as in leadership, is it true in every circumstance?
To answer this question, we need to go a little deeper and explore the concept of mutual submission. In Ephesians 5:21, God tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. A closer look at Scripture reveals how love, respect, and sex play central roles in the practice of mutual submission.
Commanded, Not Earned
Paul goes on to write in the next verse that wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Whether you are a complementarian or egalitarian, this verse is difficult to ignore. It is stated plainly, as a command, without nuance or exception. The implication of the phrase "as to the Lord" is that wives should submit to and respect their husbands as they would submit to and respect Christ Himself.
In this sense, respect is not earned. It is commanded by God. And He commands it for a reason, that the wife's submission and respect for her husband should symbolize the submission and respect the Church has for Christ.
Because of this symbolism, the wife does not have the right to say, "Well, I don't respect my husband because he hasn't done anything to earn it." The respect is not based on his actions or performance but on his role or position as the God-ordained spiritual head of the household. Of course, husbands should do all they can to earn that respect and live up to their role. But their shortcomings are never an excuse for wives to be disobedient or disrespectful.
(One clear exception is when the husband leads the wife toward sin, against the commands of God. In such a case, the wife has a duty to disobey the husband and remain faithful to Christ.)
“How tragic would it be if non-believers looked at Christian families and saw that they operated on the same cut-throat, performance-based criteria that the world operates on?”
In the same way, love is not earned but commanded by God. Husbands are commanded to love their wives, sacrificially and unconditionally, just as Christ loves His bride, the Church (Eph. 5:25). This love is also not based on performance but on who the wife is, her identity and position. In the same way, husbands can never say, "Well, I'm not loving to my wife these days because she hasn't earned it." Husbands are commanded to love their wives at all times and in all circumstances because their love symbolizes and demonstrates to the world how Christ loves the church.
How dreadful would it be if love and respect had to be earned? How tragic would it be if non-believers looked at Christian families and saw that they operated on the same cut-throat, performance-based criteria that the world operates on? How would that reflect on Christ? Rather than beautifully demonstrating the grace and truth of the gospel, it would send the message that Christian love isn't any better than worldly love.
The Crux of Mutual Submission
Mutual submission is perhaps most poignantly demonstrated in the act of giving oneself to another. This can be done by laying down one's life to save someone else's life, but it is more commonly done through the giving of conjugal rights.
In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul writes:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 [ESV]
Paul frames sexual intimacy between spouses in terms of mutual submission. He specifies that spouses have authority over each other's very bodies. This idea flies in the face of the modern-day notion of "my body, my choice." In fact, a possible paraphrase of 1 Cor. 7:4 is "my body, your choice."
“Paul specifies that spouses have authority over each other's very bodies. This idea flies in the face of the modern-day notion of "my body, my choice."“
This passage should never be used to justify abuse or spousal rape (God forbid!). After all, mutual love and submission also take into account a spouse's mood and physical condition. A husband or wife may refuse sex on occasion for good reasons (not feeling well, feeling emotionally fragile, etc.). But for a man or woman to regularly deny his or her spouse of sex is a sin against the spouse and a refusal to practice godly mutual submission. Any temporary pause on sexual activity must be agreed upon by both spouses and be for a limited time (v.5).
The free giving of ourselves to our spouses sexually is one of the most direct ways in which mutual submission is practiced in marriage. While moods, personal enjoyment of sex, and libido levels are important factors, they are outweighed by the call to mutual submission. Generally speaking, we are to give ourselves to our spouses as often as they need to maintain emotional and spiritual health.
Conclusion
As followers of Christ, we must be careful not to adopt worldly rules and assumptions uncritically. The world might teach us, implicitly or explicitly, that love and respect have to be earned. The Word of God would say otherwise. We love people, not because they earned it, but because God loved us when we didn't earn it. We respect all people, not because they earned it, but because they are made in the image of God, just as we are.
These principles are especially true in marriage because marriage plays the unique role of reflecting Christ's relationship with the church to the world. Let us, then, in the spirit of mutual submission, love, respect, and give of ourselves, even when it goes against the inclinations of our flesh.