The Most Undervalued Relational Quality
There are many valuable skills when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships, such as active listening, showing empathy, and conflict resolution. All these skills take time to develop and master. But there is one underlying quality that drives these skills, and it's a quality that is sorely overlooked and undervalued. It's the quality of curiosity.
Curiosity is what makes all high-level relational skills work. It's what gives a person the right motivation to use those skills. Being able to show empathy to someone is a wonderful and important skill to have, but it's possible to be very good at showing empathy for the wrong reasons. Some people show empathy not actually to empathize, but to maintain a reputation for being an empathetic or sensitive person. Another person could be an incredibly skilled conflict manager, but it's possible that this person doesn't really care about people so much as the product the people or the team produces.
“The best safeguard against being "outed" as a self-centered person is to be someone who is genuinely curious about others.”
While someone can get away with having false or ulterior motives for developing strong relational skills for a little while, in the end, the truth always comes out. A person's lack of regard or concern for other people's views and interests will reveal itself at some point given the right conditions. For this reason, the best safeguard against being "outed" as a self-centered person is to be someone who is genuinely curious about others.
The Value of Curiosity
Here is a trustworthy principle: 90% of arguments can be avoided if the people involved would simply be curious about one another. When we come into conflict with someone, it is natural for us to see our opponent through a negative lens. We make quick assumptions about them: they're crazy, they're lazy, they're selfish, they're misguided. But the truth is that most people aren't crazy or lazy or brainwashed. Most human beings have good reasons for the things they think, say, or do, even if those reasons are emotional or subconscious.
Our sinful nature is what causes us to think the worst about people we come into conflict with. It's part of what theologians call the noetic effects of sin, or the harmful, corrupting effect that sin has on the human mind. Part of resisting this effect is to develop the discipline of giving people the benefit of the doubt and asking questions to reach an understanding of the other person's thought process and feelings.
“Most human beings have good reasons for the things they think, say, or do, even if those reasons are emotional or subconscious.”
Which leads us to another trustworthy principle: listen not to respond but to understand. This principle is taught by counselors the world over. If we ask the right questions, give the other person a chance to speak his or her mind freely and honestly, and if we listen with an open heart, then there is every possibility that we can come to understand where the person is coming from. Once that happens, several positive outcomes become possible.
The Benefits of Curiosity
First, empathy. When we understand why someone thinks or feels the way they do, it is much easier to empathize with them. Chances are, we've felt the same way at some point in our lives, for a similar reason. When we identify with the other person's concerns, we feel an instant connection with them as a fellow human being with common desires and worries.
Second, clarity. When people's concerns are yet to be understood, a fog of mystery and confusion remains, obscuring the path to resolution. Nothing is more frustrating than arguing in circles, repeating the same thing over again, only to be misunderstood every time. But when everyone listens to understand, then the problems become clear to all, and then it becomes possible to navigate the rocks and choppy waters to safer shores.
“With mutual understanding comes hope and the faith to move forward.”
Third, hope. When the problem is understood, the fog of confusion is lifted and the conflict no longer seems insurmountable. In the end, everyone wants their concerns addressed. They want to be heard and reassured that the cause of their distress or anxiety will be alleviated. With mutual understanding comes hope and the faith to move forward.
Fourth, cooperation. When all the parties in a conflict understand their contribution to the problem, they also understand the part they have to play in resolving it. This leads to a logical tendency to work together as a team rather than as opponents. There is no such thing as a one-sided relational problem. If everyone had a hand in getting into the pit, everyone needs to lend a hand in getting out of the pit.
Conclusion
There is no good reason that justifies yelling, threats, verbal abuse, or name calling in relational conflicts. Those are the weapons of the weak and insecure. Wise and mature people understand that curiosity is a much better route to take, as it always leads to better understanding and empathy. Curiosity prevents yelling, threatening, abusing, and name calling from becoming necessary.
In Isaiah 1:18, God Himself invites His people to come into deep and honest conversation with Him. "Come, let us reason together," He says. And in Ephesians 4:15, we are admonished to speak truth to one another in love. Jesus teaches His disciples to deal with relational conflict swiftly and directly in passages such as Matthew 5:23-24 and 18:15-17.
Let's learn this valuable lesson and not make the mistake of neglecting curiosity. It is one of the most important relational qualities, one that is taught and encouraged by Scripture itself (as well as every competent counselor). Curiosity leads to understanding, which then leads to multiple pathways toward resolution and a deeper appreciation for the views and perspectives of other people.